east bay hockey league


Player Profiles

These player profiles and accompanying statistics were originally created by a supercomputer at Stanford, which was known for never ever ever being wrong. Unfortunately, Stanford found out that we were using their very important supercomputer for a fake hockey league website, and we have been unable to update these profiles in a long time. The following content is thus outdated and silly.


Neil “Danger”
offense – vvvvvvvvv9
defense – vvvvvvvv8
goalie – vvvvvvvv8
heart –
vvvvvvvvvv10
ball control -
vvvvvvvvv9
antelope – vv2
matrimony – vvvvvvvvvv10
offensive powerhouse and master of breakaways, Neil will threaten you with his scoring skills at all times and then eat your sandwich.
email – midastouch12@aol.com; aim – midastouch12

mattnight.jpg

Matt
offense - vvvvvvvv8
defense – vvvvvvvv8
goalie – vvvvvvvvv9
heart
vvvvvvvvvv10
charisma – vvvvvvvvvv10
canteloupevv2
the goalie extraordaire. he will lead his team into battle with reckless abandon, dominate the opposition and evoke strange feelings from you with his charisma
email – mthomas145@aol.com; aim – mthomas145

lukewater.jpg

Luke
offense – vvvvvv6
defense – vvvvvv6
goalie – vvvv4
heart – vvvvvvvv8
magic – vvvvvvvvvv10
good all-around player with excellent awareness and passing skills. his ball handling will magically appear between his legs p.s. he shoots through screens p.p.s. bathes himself with a hose. email – luckeluke1@hotmail.com; aim – supernothing121

image_17.jpg

Brian
offense – vvvvvv6
defense – vvvvvv6
goalie – vvvvvvv7
heart – vvvvvvvv8
extreme – vvvvvvvvv9
quality defender and goalie. but beware – he is extreme.
email – drkinesh240@aol.com; aim – drkinesh240

image_21.jpg

Jake
offense – vvvvvvv7
defense – vvv3
goalie – vvvvv5
heart – vvvv4
drunkenness- vvvvvvvvvv10
a big cute teddy bear with a hangover, he can be prone to fatigue. his slap shot will come very hard and very often. it will not always come accurate.
email – drswag69@aol.com; aim – drswag69

mario21.jpg

Alex “Shifty”
offense – vvvvv5
defense – vvvvvv6
goalie – 0
heart – vvvvvv6
optimism – vvvvvvvvvv10
the face of the ebhl, shifty plays with heart . . .
sometimes and will score. . . if you leave him open. legends of his goalie skill are heard from here to armenia.
email – sonny2oo4@aol.com; aim – sonny2oo4

image_23.jpg

Jeff
offense – vvvvv5
defense – vvvvv5
goalie – vvvvvv6
heart – vvvvvv6
kindness – vvvvvvvv8
good all-around player. good all-around guy.
email – lutz60400@aol.com; aim – lutz60400

crazydave.jpg

David
offense – vvvv4
defense – vvvvvvvv8
goalie – vvvv4
heart – vvvvvv6
saltiness – vvvvvvvvv9
we’re not going to lie to you. that might not be david. the real david is a defensive anchor. he gets into his opponents heads, just like salt.
email – peterwiggin@gmail.com; aim – malaysianhegemon

vallely.jpg

Chris
offense – vvvvvvvv8
defense – vvvv4
goalie – vvvvvvv7
heart – vvvvvvv7
fighting – vvvvvvvvv9
sobriety – v1
has transformed into a bonifideathelete thanks to rehab, but rehab is now over. good passing skills and very good overall awareness, he is both a lover and a fighter.
email – unknown ; aim – lifeofhuman

ian.jpg

Ian
offense – vvvvvvv7
defense –
vvvvvvvv8
goalie –
vvvvvv6
heart –
vvvvvvvv8
cooperation –
vvvvvvvvv9
good defender with talent on offense as well. excellent team player with good passing skills and hustle. needs to wash his hat.
email – iangrutze@aol.com; aim – grutzujin

justin.jpg

Justin
offense – vvvvvvvv8
defense –
vvvvv5
goalie –
vvv3
heart –
vvvvvv6
burst –
vvvvvvvvvv10
left handed vegetarian. quality offensive talent with clean moves. seems to be fatigued at times, but recovers temporarily with vitamin-induced burst that powers him towards the net with burning vigor.
email – pimdog@aol.com; aim – pimdog

shintani.jpg

Kevin
offense – vvvvvvv7
defense –
vvvvvvvvv9
goalie –
vvvvv5
heart –
vvvvvvvvv9
golfing-
vvvvvvvvv9
initial wasteland has developed into one of the league’s success stories. shut-down defender that never gives up on a play. not the biggest kid but possesses a ridiculous golf-inspired slap shot.
email – kevdawg584@hotmail.com; aim – kevdawg584

pomory.jpg

Andrew Hoyt
offense – vvvvvv6
defense –
vvvvvv6
goalie –
vvvvvv6
heart –
vvvvvvv7
consistency-
vvvvvvvvv9
pretty good at offense. pretty good at defense. pretty good at goalie. doesn’t make stupid plays and shows up every day. an unpenatrable fortress of consistency.
email – unknown; aim – bshears20

kilby.jpg

Ryan
offense – vvvvv5
defense –
vvvvvvvv8
goalie – vvvvvv6
heart –
vvvvvvv7
woolliness –
vvvvvvvv8
rookie with potential and lots of hair. could become a top flight defenceman or goalie if he drops out of school and moves to czech republic for training.
email – ryandbassist@hotmail.com; aim – fillintheblank85

bugosh.jpg

Eric
offense – vvvvvvv7
defense –
vvvvv5
goalie –
vvvvvvvv8
heart –
vvvvvvv7
fury –
vvvvvvvvv9
comes from a faraway land where the fabled game of ice hockey is played. excellent agility and good passing skills. amazing flexibility makes him ideal butterfly goalie as well as furious.
email – unknown; aim – mcdoobie6

Kevin
offense – vvvvv5
defense –
vvvvvv6
goalie –
vvvvvv6
heart –
vvvvvv6
rest habits –
vvv3
solid defender who plays hard every game. used to be a good goalie when he played a lot; now he sleeps until three in the afternoon instead.
email – unknown; aim – unknown

aj.jpg

AJ
offense – vvvvvvvvv9
defense – vvvvvvvv8
goalie – vvvvvv 6
heart –
vvvvvvvvv9
aim -
vvvvvvvvv9
unlike most of the ebhl, aj has hockey experience and talent. his wrist shots are incredibly accurate and he has been known to dislocate goalies knees with his moves in close.
email – unknown; aim – unknown

christine.jpg

Christine
offense – vvv3
defense – vvvvv5
goalie – v 1
heart –
vvvv4
target -
vvvvvvvvvv10
you might be surprised to see that there is a participant named christine well thats because she is a girl, yes girls can play hockey too you racist. she gets hit with a lot of balls.
email – girlinpink@gmail.com ; aim – girlinpink47

daniel_robot.jpg

Dan
offense – vvvvvvv7
defense – vvvvvv6
goalie – vvvvv5
heart –
vvvvvvvv8
locomotion -
vvvvvvvvv9
moves from place to place without ceasing in a rather robotic fashion. misses the ball a lot but has excellent heart and hustle. sometimes brings a lawn chair.
email – robotworm@aol.com ; aim – robotworm

tony_2.jpg

Tony
offense – vvvv4
defense – vvvvv5
goalie – vv2
heart – vvvvvv6
employment – 0

noob -vvvvvvvvvv10
tony’s low scores in offense, defense and goalie are probably due to his high score in noob. although he is unemployed tony is now improving his life as a street hockey goalie prospect. if we invent a participation award tony will surely be nominated.
email – unknown; aim – obiwanperatasass

ryansuzuki.jpg

Suzuki
offense – vvvvvv6
defense –
vvvvv5
goalie – v 1
heart –
vvvvvv6
dang! -
vvvvvvvv8
simpsons guru….hockey guru. no jklol.he has a heart and spirit of gold which is illustrated by his frequent use of the word dang! he is always late but we like him anyway, he has a good shot and plays/looks kinda like shifty.
email – unknown; aim – unknown

cindy.jpg

Cindy
offense – vvvvv5
defense – vvvv4
goalie – v 1
heart –
vvvvv5
gossip -
vvvvvvv7
the original female ebhl member. good ball control and passing. has little confidence in the castro valley party scene.
email – clprinzess90@aol.com ; aim – clprinzess90

dina.jpg

Dina
offense – vv2
defense – vvvv4
goalie – v v 2
heart –
vvvvvvv7
coordination -
vvv3
diversity -
vvvvvvvv8
dina fails to capitalize on scoring oppurtunities, although this is understandable considering her native landdoesnt like capitalism too much. she has high heart and diversity and is the original female ebhl goalie so give her a hug.
email – dancerbabe124@excite.com ; aim – naughtybiscotti4

Willy
offense – vvvvv5
defense –
vvvvvvvvv9
goalie – vvvvv5
heart –
vvvvvvvvv9
speed -
vvvvvvvvv9
you might know this player as the great wall of willy because of his incredible defense that stifles even the mongols. his finishing skills are still developing but his speed is paralleled only by train tracks, cause they’re always parallel.
email – unknown; aim – unknown

neilchair2.jpg

Neil version 2.0
XNEIKL
offense – vvvvvvvvv9
defense – vvv3
goalie – vvv3
heart -
vvvvvvvvvv10
inspiration -
vvvvvvvvvv10
ten days after surgery on his torn aclneil has returned in a wheelchair. his mobility is a little terrible but if he can get in front of the goal and pull that e-brake he will lead his team in scoring every game, he’s so inspiring that ninjas come from all over to play with him.
email – midastouch12@aol.com ; aim – midastouch12

fisch1_247×250.jpg

J Michael Fisch
offense – vvvvvv6
defense –
vvvvvvv7
goalie – vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv98.6 degrees
heart –
vlion v
shirt making ability -
vvvvvvvvvv10
This player was particularly resiliant to the idea of street hockey, but after he tried it once he was never the same. Self proclaimed play write, wardrobe designer, and all aroundhandiman; Fisch impressed us all at the 2nd annual EBHL tournament (by showing up) and surpassed expectations by playing shut down goalie.
email – unknown; aim – rounders07

One Response to 'Player Profiles'

Subscribe to comments with RSS or TrackBack to 'Player Profiles'.

  1. Anna said,

    I’m confused as to why Dina scores only an “8” in diversity…when no one else has any mention of it at all?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: