Player Profiles

These player profiles and accompanying statistics were originally created by a supercomputer at Stanford, which was known for never ever ever being wrong. Unfortunately, Stanford found out that we were using their very important supercomputer for a fake hockey league website, and we have been unable to update these profiles in a long time. The following content is thus outdated and silly.

Neil “Danger” offense – vvvvvvvvv9 defense – vvvvvvvv8 goalie – vvvvvvvv8 heart – vvvvvvvvvv10 ball control –vvvvvvvvv9 antelope – vv2 matrimony – vvvvvvvvvv10 offensive powerhouse and master of breakaways, Neil will threaten you with his scoring skills at all times and then eat your sandwich. email – midastouch12@aol.com; aim – midastouch12

Matt offense – vvvvvvvv8 defense – vvvvvvvv8 goalie – vvvvvvvvv9 heart – vvvvvvvvvv10 charisma – vvvvvvvvvv10 canteloupe – vv2 the goalie extraordaire. he will lead his team into battle with reckless abandon, dominate the opposition and evoke strange feelings from you with his charisma email – mthomas145@aol.com; aim – mthomas145

Luke offense – vvvvvv6 defense – vvvvvv6 goalie – vvvv4 heart – vvvvvvvv8 magic – vvvvvvvvvv10 good all-around player with excellent awareness and passing skills. his ball handling will magically appear between his legs p.s. he shoots through screens p.p.s. bathes himself with a hose. email – luckeluke1@hotmail.com; aim – supernothing121

Brian offense – vvvvvv6 defense – vvvvvv6 goalie – vvvvvvv7 heart – vvvvvvvv8 extreme – vvvvvvvvv9 quality defender and goalie. but beware – he is extreme. email – drkinesh240@aol.com; aim – drkinesh240

Jake offense – vvvvvvv7 defense – vvv3 goalie – vvvvv5 heart – vvvv4 drunkenness- vvvvvvvvvv10 a big cute teddy bear with a hangover, he can be prone to fatigue. his slap shot will come very hard and very often. it will not always come accurate. email – drswag69@aol.com; aim – drswag69

Alex “Shifty” offense – vvvvv5 defense – vvvvvv6 goalie – 0 heart – vvvvvv6 optimism – vvvvvvvvvv10 the face of the ebhl, shifty plays with heart . . . sometimes and will score. . . if you leave him open. legends of his goalie skill are heard from here to armenia. email – sonny2oo4@aol.com; aim – sonny2oo4

Jeff offense – vvvvv5 defense – vvvvv5 goalie – vvvvvv6 heart – vvvvvv6 kindness – vvvvvvvv8 good all-around player. good all-around guy. email – lutz60400@aol.com; aim – lutz60400

David offense – vvvv4 defense – vvvvvvvv8 goalie – vvvv4 heart – vvvvvv6 saltiness – vvvvvvvvv9 we’re not going to lie to you. that might not be david. the real david is a defensive anchor. he gets into his opponents heads, just like salt. email – peterwiggin@gmail.com; aim – malaysianhegemon

Chris offense – vvvvvvvv8 defense – vvvv4 goalie – vvvvvvv7 heart – vvvvvvv7 fighting – vvvvvvvvv9 sobriety – v1 has transformed into a bonifideathelete thanks to rehab, but rehab is now over. good passing skills and very good overall awareness, he is both a lover and a fighter. email – unknown ; aim – lifeofhuman

Ian offense – vvvvvvv7 defense – vvvvvvvv8 goalie – vvvvvv6 heart – vvvvvvvv8 cooperation – vvvvvvvvv9 good defender with talent on offense as well. excellent team player with good passing skills and hustle. needs to wash his hat. email – iangrutze@aol.com; aim – grutzujin

Justin offense – vvvvvvvv8 defense – vvvvv5 goalie – vvv3 heart – vvvvvv6 burst – vvvvvvvvvv10 left handed vegetarian. quality offensive talent with clean moves. seems to be fatigued at times, but recovers temporarily with vitamin-induced burst that powers him towards the net with burning vigor. email – pimdog@aol.com; aim – pimdog

Kevin offense – vvvvvvv7 defense – vvvvvvvvv9 goalie – vvvvv5 heart – vvvvvvvvv9 golfing- vvvvvvvvv9 initial wasteland has developed into one of the league’s success stories. shut-down defender that never gives up on a play. not the biggest kid but possesses a ridiculous golf-inspired slap shot. email – kevdawg584@hotmail.com; aim – kevdawg584

Andrew Hoyt offense – vvvvvv6 defense – vvvvvv6 goalie – vvvvvv6 heart – vvvvvvv7 consistency- vvvvvvvvv9 pretty good at offense. pretty good at defense. pretty good at goalie. doesn’t make stupid plays and shows up every day. an unpenatrable fortress of consistency. email – unknown; aim – bshears20

Ryan offense – vvvvv5 defense – vvvvvvvv8 goalie – vvvvvv6 heart – vvvvvvv7 woolliness – vvvvvvvv8 rookie with potential and lots of hair. could become a top flight defenceman or goalie if he drops out of school and moves to czech republic for training. email – ryandbassist@hotmail.com; aim – fillintheblank85

Eric offense – vvvvvvv7 defense – vvvvv5 goalie – vvvvvvvv8 heart – vvvvvvv7 fury – vvvvvvvvv9 comes from a faraway land where the fabled game of ice hockey is played. excellent agility and good passing skills. amazing flexibility makes him ideal butterfly goalie as well as furious. email – unknown; aim – mcdoobie6

Kevin offense – vvvvv5 defense – vvvvvv6 goalie – vvvvvv6 heart – vvvvvv6 rest habits – vvv3 solid defender who plays hard every game. used to be a good goalie when he played a lot; now he sleeps until three in the afternoon instead. email – unknown; aim – unknown

AJ offense – vvvvvvvvv9 defense – vvvvvvvv8 goalie – vvvvvv 6 heart – vvvvvvvvv9 aim –vvvvvvvvv9 unlike most of the ebhl, aj has hockey experience and talent. his wrist shots are incredibly accurate and he has been known to dislocate goalies knees with his moves in close. email – unknown; aim – unknown

Christine offense – vvv3 defense – vvvvv5 goalie – v 1 heart – vvvv4 target –vvvvvvvvvv10 you might be surprised to see that there is a participant named christine well thats because she is a girl, yes girls can play hockey too you racist. she gets hit with a lot of balls. email – girlinpink@gmail.com ; aim – girlinpink47

Dan offense – vvvvvvv7 defense – vvvvvv6 goalie – vvvvv5 heart – vvvvvvvv8 locomotion –vvvvvvvvv9 moves from place to place without ceasing in a rather robotic fashion. misses the ball a lot but has excellent heart and hustle. sometimes brings a lawn chair. email – robotworm@aol.com ; aim – robotworm

Tony offense – vvvv4 defense – vvvvv5 goalie – vv2 heart – vvvvvv6 employment – 0 noob –vvvvvvvvvv10 tony’s low scores in offense, defense and goalie are probably due to his high score in noob. although he is unemployed tony is now improving his life as a street hockey goalie prospect. if we invent a participation award tony will surely be nominated. email – unknown; aim – obiwanperatasass

Suzuki offense – vvvvvv6 defense – vvvvv5 goalie – v 1 heart – vvvvvv6 dang! –vvvvvvvv8 simpsons guru….hockey guru. no jklol.he has a heart and spirit of gold which is illustrated by his frequent use of the word dang! he is always late but we like him anyway, he has a good shot and plays/looks kinda like shifty. email – unknown; aim – unknown

Cindy offense – vvvvv5 defense – vvvv4 goalie – v 1 heart – vvvvv5 gossip –vvvvvvv7 the original female ebhl member. good ball control and passing. has little confidence in the castro valley party scene. email – clprinzess90@aol.com ; aim – clprinzess90

Dina offense – vv2 defense – vvvv4 goalie – v v 2 heart – vvvvvvv7 coordination –vvv3 diversity –vvvvvvvv8 dina fails to capitalize on scoring oppurtunities, although this is understandable considering her native landdoesnt like capitalism too much. she has high heart and diversity and is the original female ebhl goalie so give her a hug. email – dancerbabe124@excite.com ; aim – naughtybiscotti4

Willy offense – vvvvv5 defense – vvvvvvvvv9 goalie – vvvvv5 heart – vvvvvvvvv9 speed –vvvvvvvvv9 you might know this player as the great wall of willy because of his incredible defense that stifles even the mongols. his finishing skills are still developing but his speed is paralleled only by train tracks, cause they’re always parallel. email – unknown; aim – unknown

Neil version 2.0 XNEIKL offense – vvvvvvvvv9 defense – vvv3 goalie – vvv3 heart –vvvvvvvvvv10 inspiration –vvvvvvvvvv10 ten days after surgery on his torn aclneil has returned in a wheelchair. his mobility is a little terrible but if he can get in front of the goal and pull that e-brake he will lead his team in scoring every game, he’s so inspiring that ninjas come from all over to play with him. email – midastouch12@aol.com ; aim – midastouch12

J Michael Fisch offense – vvvvvv6 defense – vvvvvvv7 goalie – vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv98.6 degrees heart – vlion v shirt making ability –vvvvvvvvvv10 This player was particularly resiliant to the idea of street hockey, but after he tried it once he was never the same. Self proclaimed play write, wardrobe designer, and all aroundhandiman; Fisch impressed us all at the 2nd annual EBHL tournament (by showing up) and surpassed expectations by playing shut down goalie. email – unknown; aim – rounders07

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